My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza