my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?