My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.