My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Someone just threatened to call me later
I will never stop laughing at this
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
WHY?!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
How do you like your Corgi?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003