My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
You Might Also Like
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Haha! 😂
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
was Jim off killing horses or…
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever