My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you know, you know 😂🚔