my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
at ease…shoulder.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.