My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
In case you needed to hear it:
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.