My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
pelicons
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”