My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
You Might Also Like
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate