My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
had to share :’)
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?