My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions