my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Meow
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