My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Mornin. * use accordingly
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.