My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk