My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Cat.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.