My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.