My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.