My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.


*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]



If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?


I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.


Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.


“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist


Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.


My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.