My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
#dnd #ttrpg
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
the prophecy has been fulfilled
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch