My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match