@JimmerThatisAll

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

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@Mandiatrandom1

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@WifeEyeSignal

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@BelleIsAMom

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.