Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW
*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.