My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun