My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“I wouldn’t.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.