My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My dad teaching me to drive
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.