My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
me working on my assignments ^-^
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
True.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke