My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
They grow up so quick
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: