My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.