My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Sex so good you see dead people.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”