My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
You Might Also Like
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”