My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.