My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: