My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Fights fire with marshmallows
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”