My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*