My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.