My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.