My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg