My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Left at a local drug store…
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.