*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
the icebreaker
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂