My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.