My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This will never not be funny to me.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack