My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.