My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
You Might Also Like
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: