My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie