My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.