My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Boom, boom, ching!
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Whisper out to librarians!