My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If a snake ate a cake
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.