My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
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Cha-ching is my safe word
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go