My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option