My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee