My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?