My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I hate when that happens.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching