My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
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Tough love is true love
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.