My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
North and South
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice